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I live a life of self abuse

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Hurricanes and DEATH Sep. 22nd, 2005 @ 08:30 pm
i'm dying.

My parents are fleeing hurricane Rita.

and I have the plague.

AND they left my cat in the house. If he dies, i'm going to be mad. I know that may sound shallow cause it's just an animal. but he's my fucking animal. DAMNIT

Jul. 16th, 2005 @ 04:19 pm
Strong Island Boot Boys

Jul. 5th, 2005 @ 07:25 pm
Sometime between right now, and when I got out of class this afternoon at about 3 o'clock i realized something. I realized that I don't know if I can handle living by myself, and being the responisble college student that my parents and everyone else expects me to be. I work two jobs, and I started going to class from 11-4 today. I really can't take it. I don't sleep any more.

I just feel like curling up and crying until everything goes away. I just wish for once that I could be happy for more than a day or for more than a weekend at a time.

I hate the fact that life has to get in the way of everything. I hate the fact that people have to work all day, and sometimes most of the weekend to have money. Fuck that, I don't give a shit about people. I hate that I always feel like i'm being a jerk to him when he's never anything but nice to me. Sometimes I think he deserves so much more than I can give him. I try my hardest, and I know he doesn't see it this way but I always feel like I could do better for him. I want nothing more than to be able to be with him all the time, or alteast more than once a weekend. It hurts knowing that this one person (although when i get to be with him, everything is fine, it's funny how that works, isn't it?) is probably my sole source of happiness in my life right now.

My head is so clogged right now. I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm so tired. So fucking tired. Physically, Mentally, emotionally.

I want to know when it became to a chore to go hang out with my friends. When it became a chore to leave the house to go do something that should be fun. Lately I find myself not wanting to do anything. Anything but spend time with him.

I shouldn't be so dependendant on him for my own happiness. I don't want to crowd him with my shit.

I want to cry. I just want to let go, and fucking cry.

I saw him this morning, and I miss him all ready. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes.

Yea, I'm done. and I'm sorry for the stupid fucking rant.

I miss not worrying about getting to work on time. I miss not worrying about fucking college.


Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: The Bouncing Souls - Neurotic

squeeeee May. 16th, 2005 @ 01:19 am
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We are so much better than you.


Photobucket Apr. 18th, 2005 @ 04:53 pm
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Other entries
» ....gaahhh
Well i got up a six this morning to write a stupid paper only to realize an hour before it was due that I had written it on the wrong thing...and it's gotta be 6-10 pages long. Man, i suck.
» psssh
My boyfriend is better than yours.
» He doesn't know what he does to me.
Invisible, inviting vision linger.
This swirl of smoke looks like her slender body.
I see everything in frames now. Golden Gilded.
Rippled edges wave goodnight.
Lightsleeper, what's keeping you from waking?
This shallow stare has said it all.
Your cold dark face reminds me of the night we learned to smoke.
Fireflies at our lips.
Thirty 37 years until i show my face again.
Steal this moment. Make it worth saving.
Choke down the clouds that cloud your head now.
It would make my gloomy day.
whoever you are you've stayed far away for too long.

the clocks are flipping on their backs.
don't stay to late. i'll fizzle and fade.
A statue of stoned beliefs.
A momument to monumental dying thoughts.
let the currents take us where they will
From this hill i can see the world unfold before me.
I'm brooding over broken nights.
I break each sentence like a limb.
This is my exit.
I storm out stage left.
It'll feel like i left you so long ago.
These arms will bleed. I'll be waiting.
I'll be waiting with wishful elation.
Lightsleeper, you could make my gloomy day
Make this moment worth saving

...3 days...
» mehhh!!!
It's been a few days since i updated, and i never finished my last entry, but oh well. The shit just keeps piling up. I was refered to a psychologist...got my first appointment on Monday afternoon..we'll see how that goes. But there's a show this weekend, and that should be fun. Skin Disorder, yea!

More later
» And it Begins...
So this Wednesday was my first real day of Class/work. And I'm ready for the semester to be over all ready. I have five classes, which is standard for someone who doesn't want to graduate from this shit hole university in 4 years. I was going to take six this semester but my Father told me I'd probably want to slit my wrists even more than I all ready want to.

Anywho, Class started on Wednesday and my first class was Economics. Not only any Economics, but Economics 007. Which apparently is Economics and Current Issues or some bullshit like that. Well we all get in there. And the professor walks in and he's a fucking crazy guy...and to top everything of this man is so liberal that he's actually a fucking communist. Just my luck. It's so hard not to get into an arguement with him about almost everything that he says. His anti-American/Anti-Bush/Anti-Capitalist propaganda makes me want to beat my head off the desk over and over and over again. I've sat through two of his classes, and I feel stupider all ready.

My second class on Wednesday was Sociology, Soc...134 or something, it's "Race Relations in The United States". Sounds like fun right? Yea, i thought it would be, especially because it has something directly related to what I want to do with my life...which I'll get to eventually in this update. The Professor is a very nice little asian lady who looks like she's about 14 years old.

I'll be back in about half an hour, I gotta put a motherboard in a computer in the other lab
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